Sissy Spacek has nothing on me

Hello there. I sure do need to slow down. I'm exhausted from all of my man eating! Pass me the salt and pepper please. Nom nom nom!

I met up with Hull Guy and he was absolutely lovely. He was completely on my level, and we even took the piss out of the couple on the table next to us who were quite obviously on a first date and having that first date discussion. It feels like I've known Hull Guy for ages, and I was really at home with him. Promising.

From the delicious steak house, we went to a cocktail bar where I had a... ahem... virgin cocktail. Gosh, it's been a while since I've had that word associated with me!

As we walked past the town hall which was lit up beautifully, he kissed me. And it was perfect. We made our way to his car, and his hands were wondering as we got lost around the city. I told him no and that I wanted to be respected. Good girl!  

Didn't last long!

He pulled up in front of mine and we kissed and kissed and kissed some more. His hands wondered, and I let them. Oops. I told you that I wasn't much of a lady!

He begged to come in to my house so he could make me orgasm. Well, OK, just one but then you have to leave. And one orgasm later (not through sex) he wouldn't leave. He kept kissing me and telling me he wanted to give me one more. At 2.30am, I was sleepy and reminded him that he had a long drive home. But he kept kissing me as I led him towards the door. Hint hint, right? Such a pain in my ass. No wait, I mean a pain in my neck. 2 days later and my neck still hurts from kissing the 6ft man. I need to find a shorter guy. Not even Deep Heat has helped!

Yesterday I received numerous messages from him saying that I was beautiful, pretty and that he hoped that I liked him. This all seems a bit needy to me. He noticed I went a little quiet and mentioned it, and I had to say that he seems a little intense. Don't call me heartless, but he is a little lost puppy. A cute one at that. He's even admitted that girls walk all over him because he's like this. I really don't want to be one of them. He needs to man up a bit.

Right, who's next? Any takers? OK, you there. Yes, you. Mexico Guy come on up. Myself and Mexico Guy have already had some fun Skyping. So it was decided today that we'd have some fun on Skype whilst I had a 'sexy' shower. Trust me when I say that there was nothing at all sexy about this.

Let's look back at the title of this post. Sissy Spacek. Who's that? Well, she's an actress known for her roles in Four Christmases (2008) and The Help (2011). Hmm, wait. Wasn't she in another film? Wasn't it a classic horror film from 1976 about a teenage girl who has telekinesis? Carrie!

I'm certainly not a teenage girl and I do not possess the powers of telekinesis. So how can this Skype ever relate to Sissy Spacek? Let me take you about 40 minutes prior to the Skype message. I had started to dye my hair red. The shower was to take the dye out of my hair. Wrong time to Skype.



It looked like a bloodbath. Not only that, because I had the shower door open, the dye sprayed everywhere and now I have to do a boil wash for the bath mat.

Note to self: try not to look like Carrie covered in blood when you're trying to be sexy in the shower.

Chest pains

The date with Academic Guy did not go particularly well. Not only was he incredibly boring and dull, but I had to leave early.

He's from Yorkshire and I adore the accent, but apart from that it was hard work. Anyone who knows me will say that I can talk for England. I don't really have an issue with talking to new people, and the problem is shutting me up. However, I just did not want to talk to this guy at all. He'd ask me a question and I would give a one word answer. I know that probably sounds rude, but I just didn't want to be there. I knew I should have cancelled. It was just terrible.

After having a rather lovely dinner of sausage and mash with gravy, I started to get chest pains. I've eaten my food a little too quickly there, haven't I? Oh well, I'm sure the pain will go shortly. 20 minutes later I was dizzy and the pain had worsened. I apologised and felt awful, but I had to leave.

As soon as I got in, I whipped my bra off, lay down for 5 minutes and I was fine again.

It wasn't an excuse to get out of a date, although I'm not sure how much longer I could've stayed there.

I was supposed to be meeting my fuck buddy, Tattoo Guy, this evening but he's cancelled due to injury. Oh what to do? I start speaking to Hull Guy. He wants to take me out for dinner. Tonight. It's currently 5.35pm and he's just popped into the shower and then he's driving down. I've booked us a table at a beautiful restaurant and this night is very unexpected.

Apologies but I need to go and get ready for a random date with a man from Hull.

'Tis the season to be horny!

Fa la la la la la la la la!

So, since my last blog I've been horny as hell. But not even the devil could seduce me. That's right - I've been ready to jump on it, but there are no suitable trampolines available. That's a lie, there are. Alas, I'm a good girl (I'm being very picky).

Let's start with Mexicio Guy. I used to work abroad in America with lots of other Americans. And in particular, Mexico Guy (one of the Americans). We always got on and I liked him, but I was in a relationship and I was being a good girl.

After 4 years we had exchanged brief messages on Facebook, but not much else. We chatted the other day and I decided to invite him to Cancun with me. It was a throw away comment but he has accepted. We've been chatting non-stop since through WhatsApp and Skype. He keeps saying extremely romantic things to me, and in Spanish too (his family are from South America). So I've been giggling like a school girl.

The issue is that he really likes me after 5 days. He's even planning the wedding. And if you think I'm joking, I'm not. I was sending him the link to the hotel I want to stay at in Cancun and he sent me a picture of the hotel's wedding brochure.

Pros -

• Has a very good job.
• If we do get together, I could move to the US.
• He's very romantic.
• He's bi-lingual and I love that!
• We have a connection through where we used to work.

Cons -

• He lives 4,326.1 miles away (yes, I've looked).
• We're going on our first date in 204 days.
• Our next date would probably be 204 days after that.
• He seems to really like me after a short amount of time and I'm not quite sure how to take that.

So, my holiday romance in Cancun is sorted out! At least we have a stunning setting. I'll be happy as long as this doesn't happen:

There's Hull Guy who is from Hull. We've been talking for a couple of days and he seems really into me too. I don't know what I'm giving out at the moment, but I wish it would stop.

Hull Guy is sweet. He has his own business, is writing a book, and has beautiful green eyes. We spoke quite a lot last night. He wants to come down to where I live (about 2/3 hour drive) tonight. But that leads me on to...

Academic Guy! That sounds like he has special powers. Yes, let me introduce you to Academic Guy!
He lectures at a pretty good university, but in a boring subject. This is really bothering me. It's in Economics. Now, I don't like to judge people but I appreciate humanities rather than numbers. Numbers are boring. Yawn. So, I'm currently getting ready for date numero uno with Academic Guy. I've already pushed it back 40 minutes so I can write this post for you. And as apprehensive as I am, we're going to a really nice pub and I'm going to order their amazing bangers and mash. Ooh, I do love a good sausage!

Fate? My arse!

I was about to go to sleep when I decided to have one more glance at Facebook. Without that glance I would not be here typing my blog post ferociously!

Apologies for the lack of blogging recently, but let me get you up to speed:

1) Went on a date with friend's housemate. Pleasant.

2) Went on a second date with friend's housemate. Pleasant again. Although we did look like two incredibly horny teenagers. Correction: two incredibly drunk horny teenagers.

3) Went on a third date to our lovely German market with friend's housemate. We agreed a date and time to have sex. Very organised!

4) Once home I thought about our dates. Sex kept coming up, but on his part rather than mine. So I sent him a message asking if he would be interested in dating after the deed. He replied he wasn't looking for a relationship. Well, I'm not looking for another fuck buddy. But that's not a problem at all. We're just after different things. Nice knowing you.

5) I really don't want things to be awkward with him for my friend's sake, so yesterday I sent him a message saying hi and all that jazz. He soon turned it into sex. I stood my ground and said that I wasn't interested. Well done me!

Where was I? Oh yes, Facebook and all of the joy it brings! He's been tagged in a photo with the comment saying that he's the best boyfriend. The picture is of a card he has sent his girlfriend saying how much he loves her.

First reaction was to send her a message to tell her how great her boyfriend is, especially at kissing. My second reaction was to call my best friend. She thinks that I should mess with his head. And I'm inclined to agree with her. I will start off by liking his girlfriend's photo. Then he knows that I know, and that I now know how to contact her if I wish to do so. I'll let him hang there slowly as worry and guilt consumes his cheating, pathetic little body.

Don't get mad. Get even.

All that glitters is not gold.

Bill was right.

Fit Guy from school and I have been talking for a while. None of that sexting malarky. But we both have said that sex is important. He then mentioned he hadn't had any in a while. I joked and mentioned the film Friends With Benefits. We laughed, however the more it was mentioned, the more it made sense.

I went over to his, and we both knew what I was there for. Rather than go into the living room, as we usually do, he took me straight to his bedroom. After some talking, and standing around in his bedroom in an awkward stance, he asked how this was supposed to work. I replied it was probably an idea to start kissing and then that would lead us to sex.

He's a good kisser. I'm expecting fireworks. He was also the hottest guy in school, and even an absolutely stunning friend of mine from the other side of the world has talked about how hot he is. Then again, she likes that Robert what's his face from Twilight.  Seriously though, this guy is HOT! So, we're standing kissing and his hands are under my top. They start going up extremely slowly. I know that he's trying to take my top off so I start laughing. Hot Guy looks perplexed and I have to explain to him that I know what he's trying to do and we both know why I'm there, so don't be so subtle about it. Just say "take your fucking top off" and move on. He follows my instructions to give me instructions and I end up taking my top off.

"Take your fucking jeans off" I hear. Someone is having a power trip. Hang on a second. I've got skinny jeans on and they're a bitch to take off. So, as I stumble around his bedroom trying to remove my jeans, I realise just how unsexy I look. Shame on me. This is Hot Guy. They come off, but I leave my socks on. I don't want to have cold feet. Plus, I don't care for feet. Great for walking around on though.

Lots of kissing later and he's ready for the main event. WOAH WOAH WOAH! Where's the foreplay? Shame on him! But he's Fit Guy so I let him off.

Oh my gosh! That man has all of the equipment, and more. This might be pretty good. Oh, wait. He is a man with all of the equipment, but unfortunately he hasn't read the manual. I can't quite put my finger on it. The old me would have thought gorgeous guy + very big penis = amazing sex. Maybe gorgeous people feel as though they don't have to try. But then again, Tattoo Guy is stunning, and he always gives me a 'pleasant' evening in.

When I leave, he apologises for the shit sex. Awkward. How do I respond?

a) It wasn't.
b) You're right, it was fucking awful!
c) Sorry, but do I know you?

I chose the first one.

We've spoken since, just not about sex.

What I can say about my experience with Fit Guy is that we were both quite mature and honest about the whole thing. We were not looking to ride off into the sunset together. We just wanted sex. And we got it. It hasn't ruined our friendship either.

Let's move on to Housemate Guy. I went on a date with him. It was quite nice. He said we should do it again, but I'm not sure. Nice guy but he still plays texting games and that doesn't interest me.

I prefer Scrabble

Things have been ticking along nicely. I'm still seeing Tattoo Guy, but not as often as I'd like. To be honest, when I saw him last week I wasn't too impressed. His skills had declined rapidly and when we decided to 'chill' on his sofa, I fell asleep. Probably not the 'fuck fest' we were both hoping for.

Do you believe in fate? Personally, I'm not one for it. Well, that is until Housemate Guy steps in. This is not my housemate. Just really wanted to clarify this.

A little over a month ago it was a work friend's birthday and he had decided that we should all dress up as Wally from the literary classic 'Where's Wally?' and so there I was dressed up as, well, Wally. And that's how I felt too. But I put on some heels and did my make up so at least I was a sexy Wally. If there is such a thing.

Before going to the Birthday Boy's house, I popped to another work friend's house to do some prinking (pre-drinking). I knocked on the door and a tall, good looking guy with glasses (I'm a sucker for a man in glasses) answered the door and told me where her room was.

She was doing her hair when I walked into her room. I didn't even say hello. I told her that her housemate was 'beyond fit' and that she had to hook me up with him.

So let's fast forward a few weeks. The nights are darker, the temperature has fallen and my nose is runny. As you're aware I'm on Match, and I start a conversation with a guy who's from down the road. He seems intelligent, and he's into some of the same things as me. He continues by saying that he's not actually a subscriber to Match, but gave me his name and told me to look him up on Facebook.

I did.

One mutual friend.

Oh, it's my work colleague.

Oh my gosh! It's her fit housemate!

I actually found this out whilst at work. But she was busy and I couldn't burst in on her. As soon as it was time for lunch I burst out with the news. I couldn't stop myself.

She told me that he was a lovely guy and that I should be nice to him, and not my 'maneater' self.

But is he a nice guy? Is he being a bit of a prick? Or is he playing the game? On Facebook, you can see when someone reads a message that you have sent them. I sent him a message. He read it. He replied an hour later. I repied straight away. He read it. He replied 2 hours later.

My friend told me that he's playing the game and that she did it with her current boyfriend. If she took 2 hours to respond to a text, then he took 3 hours to respond to a text message. I just do not understand this at all. How can you possibly hold a decent conversation with someone when you send them 2 messages a day?

We've been talking for over a week now, and I'm still waiting to be asked out on a date. Tick tock. Tick tock.

This is not an enjoyable game.

My very own Christian Grey

Since my last post, I have been on 3 dates with a lovely man. We met via the internet on match.com and we spoke on the phone for a few weeks beforehand. He seems like a very caring, thoughtful and well travelled guy. As he was incredibly interesting as well as having many of the same hobbies, we decided to meet up. Oh, you have your own business? OK.

Alas, my schedule is busy and I cancel on him. Twice. Oops. I decide that no matter what, on the 4th October that we will meet up and I will cancel any work commitments. I don't want him thinking that I'm not interested in him. He asks me where I would like to eat, and I'm quite happy with Nandos or another fairly normal chain with substandard food, but nevertheless, I let him decide.

"I've booked us a table at Purnell's" he says, as if it's the most normal thing in the world. No jeans for me then. Best get a frock out.

We meet in Ginger's bar where there's a bottle of champagne waiting for me. So far so good. As I am given the menu I see that there are 2 options: £60 or £80. That's two weeks worth of food shopping for me. I opt for the £60 menu and he then decides on the wine; a £60 bottle of white. Well, it's no Blossom Hill, but it will have to do! We then continue on to an absolutely stunning meal at Purnell's. I have never in my life eaten such amazing food. I really cannot get over how magnificent the meal was and I'm already planning my next trip back.

We talk about music, friends, family, hobbies, favourite holiday destinations and the usual stuff.

Look at the time! We met at 7 and it's now midnight. I have to leave before my dress turns into my usual rags. As it's so late he offers to drive me home, and on the walk to his car he offers me his jacket. What a sweetheart! Financially comfortable, interesting, well travelled and now someone who gives me his coat when it's pouring down. Of course I took him up on the offer as I didn't want my hair to get ruined. And I really don't want to be the cliche girl, but as we walked over to his car, my heart did backflips.

OMG! HE HAS A MERCEDES BENZ SPORTS CAR! GIGGLE!

He drops me off at my house with a single kiss on my cheek. Perfect.

The following week he sends me a message asking to meet up after work. Bugger, I'm in my work clothes, but thankfully I have my make up at work so I can do it there. 

We head to a local bar, and I insist on paying for the drinks that came to crazy £5.50. Wait - he wants orange juice AND lemonade? He must think I'm made of money!

We eat and he buys, and we talk and talk and talk. Then he drops me off home with yet again another kiss on the cheek. I'm finding it difficult at this point to believe that there are still gentlemen out there.

Shortly after dropping me home, he calls me. He's still in his fucking amazing car, but now in traffic. He, who shall now be named Purnell's Guy, asks to see me the following day (yesterday) and I oblige.

So, now we're on date numero 3. He picks me up where I can make sure that a friend from work can see his car, and her jaw drops when she sees it. Giggle again. We decide on a Mexican place to eat and I inform him that I will be paying for the meal. We order, we eat, we talk and continue on with the normal pattern of a regular date.I ask him what he's most proud of, and he tells me about when he bought his mother a house. It makes my box of Malteasers look very grim. Sorry mother.  At the end of the meal, he yet again insists on paying. At this point, I really do feel as though I'm being bought.

We pull up outside of my house and he kisses me. Well, about time! I'm all for guys being gentlemen but sometimes you just have to kiss. It's the least you can do! We kiss for a while, and I'm a little disappointed with some stubble which is causing some pain to my lip. And this is to the point where over 12 hours later, my lip is still sore.

It gets a bit heavy and we drive to somewhere a little more secluded and somewhere with no street lights. In all honesty, we do everything but have sex. In his sports car. We talk about sex for a while. I'm quite open about it and it doesn't bother me. It's nothing to be ashamed of.

Now, I like to think that I'm a bit kinky, but I have nothing on this guy. He's a cross between Patrick Bateman and Christian Grey. He likes swingers clubs, hardcore bondage, group sex and doing a line of coke from a girl's stomach before he fucks her.

It is now at this point that I feel uncomfortable. He could have at least said these things to me later down the line rather than on date number 3. It's hardly something like him having a dog and asking if I have allergies. I would like to make it clear that I do not have allergies at this point in my life.

I also feel uncomfortable due to the finances between us. I am on 22k and he is very clearly on a hell of a lot more. I feel like I'm something to be bought, and he has even said that for my birthday he intends on taking me to London, where he now lives, take me to the theatre, buy me a gift as well as Agent Provocateur lingerie, and treat me. This would be after 3 weeks of meeting him. I'd be happy with a card.

He really is such a lovely person and we have so many things in common. However, I'm trying to weigh it up at the moment, and the scales are saying that, just like a pound of sugar, he's bad for me. I don't want to be a commodity. I left my old relationship partly because I want to be independent, and if lavishes me with gifts I might turn back into the old me.